Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
You Might Also Like
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”