me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.