I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
The first one, obviously
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top