If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
You Might Also Like
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”