@SamGrittner: If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
@SamGrittner: DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
@SamGrittner: "Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun." - Octopus Police Chief
@SamGrittner: JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
@SamGrittner: I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said "she just wanted me to be happy," so I'm on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
@SamGrittner: If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, "this'll do"
@SamGrittner: Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
@SamGrittner: Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
@SamGrittner: This Uber driver is the worst. I can't roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won't open, and now his siren is blaring.