Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Oh thanks BBC.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”