[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.