[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
You Might Also Like
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.