Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
When I pack too much for a short trip.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”