“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.