[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Found the job I’m suited for
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud