my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I am crying
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars