*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK