thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something