“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”