I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If looks could kill
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.