The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.