My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.