Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.