Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.