Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities