@Sean_Burgundy_: Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?
Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time
@Sean_Burgundy_: [ 3 AM ]
Friend: I got a flat and I'm stranded
Me: Do you have snacks in your car?
Me: *Hangs up
@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: Prove that you care about me
Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers
@Sean_Burgundy_: Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: You need to text faster
Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago
@Sean_Burgundy_: You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer
@Sean_Burgundy_: All I'm saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying "We need to talk"