What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.