It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
This could be us… but you playing
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.