88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.