Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You Might Also Like
very niche meme I made
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection