*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes