Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
You Might Also Like
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Every time my phone rings
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo