Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
This cat wants you to take your pills
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.