Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Shen_the_Bird's best tweets

@Shen_the_Bird : piñata: harder daddy me: [lifts blindfold] what piñata: let me wear the blindfold

@Shen_the_Bird: [first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

@Shen_the_Bird: [first day as a bartender]

customer: i'd like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]


@Shen_the_Bird: [first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

@Shen_the_Bird: sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

@Shen_the_Bird: imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

@Shen_the_Bird: me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

@Shen_the_Bird: doctor: i'm sorry [consoling my family] he's going to live

@Shen_the_Bird: me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you're just so ugly

@Shen_the_Bird: me: help i'm being murdered

911: sounds like you're tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you're tattling