Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Shen_the_Bird's best tweets

@Shen_the_Bird : [first day as a tsa agent] me: arms up guy: [t-pose] me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

@Shen_the_Bird: sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

@Shen_the_Bird: imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

@Shen_the_Bird: me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

@Shen_the_Bird: doctor: i'm sorry [consoling my family] he's going to live

@Shen_the_Bird: me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you're just so ugly

@Shen_the_Bird: me: help i'm being murdered

911: sounds like you're tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you're tattling

@Shen_the_Bird: date: i'm very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn't mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

@Shen_the_Bird: judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

@Shen_the_Bird: boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why