Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Shen_the_Bird's best tweets

@Shen_the_Bird : her: [during sex] call me names me: [panicking] optimus prime

@Shen_the_Bird: genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone's voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

@Shen_the_Bird: best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i'm good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i'm colin

me: how'd you get in my house colin

@Shen_the_Bird: angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i'm not finished

@Shen_the_Bird: me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

@Shen_the_Bird: piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

@Shen_the_Bird: [first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

@Shen_the_Bird: [first day as a bartender]

customer: i'd like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

@Shen_the_Bird: [first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

@Shen_the_Bird: sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song