Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Shen_the_Bird's best tweets

@Shen_the_Bird : criminal: oh no it's lobster man lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch criminal: [takes out rubber bands] lobster man: oh god no

@Shen_the_Bird: me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

@Shen_the_Bird: astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it's urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

@Shen_the_Bird: co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I'm very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

@Shen_the_Bird: good cop: don't make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

@Shen_the_Bird: co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@Shen_the_Bird: robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

@Shen_the_Bird: [first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you're kinda stressing me out tbh

@Shen_the_Bird: me: I think you'll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to...eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that's not-*cough*-that's for something else