[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
first you must answer his riddles
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.