met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
You Might Also Like
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
thanks auntie mary
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
accurate
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.