My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke