181.
You Might Also Like
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.