Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShutUpThatsWho's best tweets

@ShutUpThatsWho : [brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight] [Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain] [Kevin Bacon's about to drown] [Everybody cuts foot loose]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [1st night w/Russian bride]

"take yr panties off"

[smaller panties underneath]

"them too"

[even smaller panties underneath]

"damnit..."

@ShutUpThatsWho: [doctor's office]

ME: I'm here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news...

@ShutUpThatsWho: HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I've murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean 'Banzai'?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@ShutUpThatsWho: SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don't you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@ShutUpThatsWho: [Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

"we need to tell users when their inbox is full"
how do we do that?
"we send them another email"
nice