@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean 'Banzai'?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
@ShutUpThatsWho: SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don't you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
@ShutUpThatsWho: [Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
"we need to tell users when their inbox is full"
how do we do that?
"we send them another email"
@ShutUpThatsWho: [Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
@ShutUpThatsWho: Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.