@ShutUpThatsWho: [1st night w/Russian bride]
"take yr panties off"
[smaller panties underneath]
[even smaller panties underneath]
@ShutUpThatsWho: [doctor's office]
ME: I'm here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news...
@ShutUpThatsWho: HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I've murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean 'Banzai'?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
@ShutUpThatsWho: SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don't you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
@ShutUpThatsWho: [Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
"we need to tell users when their inbox is full"
how do we do that?
"we send them another email"