Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShutUpThatsWho's best tweets

@ShutUpThatsWho : HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it ME: [trying to impress her] I've murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean 'Banzai'?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@ShutUpThatsWho: SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don't you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@ShutUpThatsWho: [Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

"we need to tell users when their inbox is full"
how do we do that?
"we send them another email"
nice

@ShutUpThatsWho: [Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

@ShutUpThatsWho: [me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

@ShutUpThatsWho: Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.