Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShutUpThatsWho's best tweets

@ShutUpThatsWho : [CPR dummy coming home from work] WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh? DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

@ShutUpThatsWho: ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

@ShutUpThatsWho: [brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon's about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [1st night w/Russian bride]

"take yr panties off"

[smaller panties underneath]

"them too"

[even smaller panties underneath]

"damnit..."

@ShutUpThatsWho: [doctor's office]

ME: I'm here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news...

@ShutUpThatsWho: HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I've murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean 'Banzai'?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@ShutUpThatsWho: SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]