[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I mean…but I did
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.