Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I wanna be friends with this person
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.