I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Always the camel, never the toe.