@SirEviscerate: This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I'm just standing here tweeting.
@SirEviscerate: If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you're resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
@SirEviscerate: TIMMY: What's that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you're aware of the irony of the situation?
@SirEviscerate: DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: ...haha no.
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
@SirEviscerate: ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
@SirEviscerate: ME: *sits*
BARBER: You're completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
@SirEviscerate: DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
@SirEviscerate: ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no