@SirEviscerate: *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
@SirEviscerate: The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking "bourbon glaze".
@SirEviscerate: *holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
@SirEviscerate: *sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*
@SirEviscerate: WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That's weird.
@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
@SirEviscerate: [JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
[YOU DIDN'T THINK]
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
@SirEviscerate: ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I'm next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.