Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SirEviscerate's best tweets

@SirEviscerate : WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night. ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That's weird.

@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

@SirEviscerate: *eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

@SirEviscerate: [JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN'T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

@SirEviscerate: ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I'm next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

@SirEviscerate: GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won't move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

@SirEviscerate: "What the hell happened to you?"
I got tarred by an angry mob.
"What about the feathers?"
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

@SirEviscerate: *builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*

@SirEviscerate: *uses blood from wounds to write my killer's name on the floor*
I...will be...avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON'T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

@SirEviscerate: Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.