@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
@SirEviscerate: [JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
[YOU DIDN'T THINK]
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
@SirEviscerate: ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I'm next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
@SirEviscerate: GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won't move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
@SirEviscerate: "What the hell happened to you?"
I got tarred by an angry mob.
"What about the feathers?"
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
@SirEviscerate: *builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
@SirEviscerate: *uses blood from wounds to write my killer's name on the floor*
I...will be...avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON'T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!