Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SirEviscerate's best tweets

@SirEviscerate : ME: I was left in the woods as a baby. DATE: So, were you raised by wolves? ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@SirEviscerate: ME: *sits*
BARBER: You're completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

@SirEviscerate: DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

@SirEviscerate: ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

@SirEviscerate: [Coca-Cola focus group 1892]
*everyone screams, throwing chairs through the window, trying to kill God*
CHEMIST: maybe slightly less cocaine

@SirEviscerate: HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo...
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

@SirEviscerate: ME: Here's your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn't Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you'd think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

@SirEviscerate: CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That's pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It'll be a cable TV installer.

@SirEviscerate: *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON