Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SirEviscerate's best tweets

@SirEviscerate : ME: I'm afraid I don't have enough to make rent. Maybe there's some *bites my bottom lip seductively*.... other sort of arrangement we can come up with. FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

@SirEviscerate: *standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn't a horrible tragedy.

@SirEviscerate: DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@SirEviscerate: ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

@SirEviscerate: This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I'm just standing here tweeting.

@SirEviscerate: If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you're resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

@SirEviscerate: TIMMY: What's that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you're aware of the irony of the situation?

@SirEviscerate: DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: ...haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

@SirEviscerate: ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*