Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SirEviscerate's best tweets

@SirEviscerate : CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm. ME: That's pretty vague. CC: Oh, sorry. It'll be a cable TV installer.

@SirEviscerate: *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

@SirEviscerate: The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking "bourbon glaze".

@SirEviscerate: *holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

@SirEviscerate: *sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@SirEviscerate: WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That's weird.

@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

@SirEviscerate: *eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

@SirEviscerate: [JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN'T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

@SirEviscerate: ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I'm next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.