Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SirEviscerate's best tweets

@SirEviscerate : DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet! MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@SirEviscerate: ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

@SirEviscerate: This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I'm just standing here tweeting.

@SirEviscerate: If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you're resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

@SirEviscerate: TIMMY: What's that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you're aware of the irony of the situation?

@SirEviscerate: DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: ...haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

@SirEviscerate: ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@SirEviscerate: ME: *sits*
BARBER: You're completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

@SirEviscerate: DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*