When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Stop sending me this shit.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.