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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
In banana years, I am bread.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application