Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”