Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Jurassic park gets weird
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
you have three unread messages
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries