@SlipperySecret: Sorry I called you "sexy" and didn't really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
@SlipperySecret: I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
@SlipperySecret: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
...because I don't have time to get arrested today.
@SlipperySecret: Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.
Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window: