Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
what?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday