Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Smethanie's best tweets

@Smethanie : Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

@Smethanie: I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.

@Smethanie: My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking "Do you want these nuts?" and I'm not mature enough to be a parent.

@Smethanie: The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist's hands in my mouth today. #survivor

@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.

@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.

@Smethanie: Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

@Smethanie: Baby, you're a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

@Smethanie: The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

@Smethanie: Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.