Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’