Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
when you are just born a rebel
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*