@Snarfernini: I'm a wealth of knowledge

Unless you want it to be true

Then I'm pretty solid on about 6 topics

2 of those might just be Doritos flavors

@Snarfernini: You're nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he'd never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.

@Snarfernini: 911: What's your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

@Snarfernini: Brain: HEY 2am let's think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa...what?
Brain: Owned

@Snarfernini: He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I'm too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov...
Me: Just keep telling yourself that

@Snarfernini: This salad tastes like I'm about done with my New Year's Resolution.

@Snarfernini: *boss walks in

Me: I lost my contact

Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?

Me:

Boss:

Me: Shut the door when you leave

@Snarfernini: He said we needed to talk so I screamed 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?'
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad

@Snarfernini: Me: Let's have a fight with that guy you like

Brain: That's not a good idea, he might actually like y...

Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!