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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
The A string on my guit_r is flat