-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
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Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.