Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”