[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
why isn’t he texting back
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation